The End & The Beginning

Here comes December, I think it’s time for me to clear my “blog debt” before the snow ball effect kicked-in. Honestly I just don’t know how to start this entry and trying to B.S. something out of nowhere.

Let’s start with what I’ve done this year.

Join my current employer for slightly more than 1 and a half year. It has been quite a challenging year for me in my career, learnt a lot and progressed. Looked through my 2009 project folder, I’ve been given plenty of chances to get involve into some very high-profile projects in year 2009. Among (few that I can mention) are Amarin Wickham, Seni Mont Kiara, ZHEN Bukit Pantai. It’s very satisfying to look-back the progress of each project until they’re completed.

From Portfolio

One of my favorite loose feature I've created this year

Also went to few destinations for my escape in 2009. Although there’s some hiccup in each and every trip but overall they’re all more than rewarding. Places I’ve went this year are Penang during CNY with family, Langkawi with Louisa and second visit with SK, Koh Samui with my office colleague and Bangkok.

From Bangkok

The Bangkok trip is particularly interesting one. It was suppose to be a trip with my “old-yet-not-so-close” friend. We know each other back in Liquid period; do your calculation if you want to know how long we’ve known each other. It turned out that there’s some mate of mine that we always party together in all kind of fashion and lifestyle events are heading to Bangkok during the same period too. On top of that, one of them is temporary living in Bangkok and been living in Bangkok for months prior my arrival. So my trip suddenly became a holiday with some glam friends together with privileges that I used to getting in KL.

From Ko Samui 09

I’ve been in a “dry season” since I broke-up with “him”, I’m not too sure if this is long or not. No sex, no date and nothing at all. Not that I can’t let him go or anything silly like that but I just don’t find anyone has the quality or attraction that I’m seeking for, at least that’s what I thought. Until very recently, I met this person in Bangkok and followed by another one in KL. They both somehow has the charm the making me smile and let me liking them a lot. After did some quick research about the guy I met in KL. We’re actually living in the same social circle. There are events that we both attended but how could I not noticing his present all these while? I guess there’s one thing in my life that I can’t change – being snobbish.

Speaking of snobbish, you might think I’m should adjust my attitude. Allow me to defense myself a little here. It’s not my fault for being almighty and thinking I’m much superior to others, there’s way too much “indecency” going on right in the city. I’ve got involved into couple of event organizing work this year and to my upmost surprises, Malaysian has degraded to an extreme where everyone is buying LV, Gucci or Prada without knowing why are they being expensive as long as they can effort them and worse, not knowing how to pronounce these luxury brands properly. I’ve frequently bump into person who pronounce Prada as “pla-da”, Gucci as “gu-ji” and my most iconic experience was in Bangkok. I was with a friend of my friend walking into Siam Paragon from BTS station, stumbled right in front of us is Pucci outlet and he straight away scream “Ew! There’s Gucci and Thais make Pucci”. I was speechless for a moment and choose to forgo what I just heard.

From Untitled Album

It’s sad to see I’m surrounded by people who can’t speak proper languages; I don’t expect everyone to speak in American accent, British accent, like how Taiwanese or Chinese speak Mandarin or Hong Kong speaks Cantonese but at least make an effort to construct your sentences properly before you actually speak it out.

Sorry for dragging so far away, let’s come back to the topic here – what I’ve done this year. Other than what I’ve mentioned above. I got quite active in GLBT scene this year, solely by accident and I like what I’m doing, organizing events, making gay movement and etc. Also I’ve finally took my step in weight training seriously during middle of the year and the transformation is fabulous. Unfortunately, due to my mother condition I always get caught between work and home, as well as financial dilemma so my fitness regime has to be put on hold. Regardless, I’ll make sure my fitness regime is my utmost priority of my 2010 resolution.

Well, I guess that’s pretty much the highlight of me in 2009. Hopefully, 2010 will be a great year ahead which will cherish and nourish me to be who I want to be. Looking forward of making my full 2010 resolution and planning soon.

PS: My birthday is just 3 days away from now ;)

#10 I'm Single

I guess this is it, we've came to the end with no turning back.

Its been at least 2 weeks already, there's too much that I can't handle. I've no idea if I'm doing it right or not but I've end it.

I learn too much of discrepancies between us and I could be worthless to him. I'm not going to elaborate much here but I just want to make this official that I'm single now, but not available.

I've no plan of dating or get involve into relationship at this moment, although I have to admit that there's someone has got my interest recently. I think this not going to be fair to any party, it is best for me to stay where I am now. I could be wrong, maybe I wasn't interested in him, maybe I just wanted a rebound guy, maybe I'm just depressed and lonely or what so ever reason.

I've been single and happily enjoying my life for more than 2 years before I met him, I believe I can do it again!

Meanwhile, I'm getting clear about how I want to spend the rest of my life. I'm working toward it now, I just hope that when I've achieve what I wanted there'll be someone to share my joyous achievement.

Anyway, for those who're concern. I'm doing very well. I've gone through my moments, please don't be worry. My escape to Langkawi does help to a certain extend and I would like to thank a person who has witness the entire process, being by my side whenever I need. Thank you :)

Bless me please.

#7 Dramas

Okay, my last entry here was a little way over the edge. Thank you so much for all who care and concern, I really appreciate it. Also, a groups of people who has been my shoulder, my beacon which has enlighten me.

Thank you so much.

I'm going to create another drama tonight, once and for all.

Bless me please

#2 The End, The Begin

I've let him go. I've surrender.

After the Dilemma, I realize looking him tearing is such a great pain in me. More thought streaming into my mind ever since then.

It wasn't really bad thing I guess. It’s hurt a lot; too much that I can barely take it but there’s no point of two person suffer in pain if the situation can be contained by some extend of sacrifices.

I’m still a winner after all – consolation prize.

Although I did not strike the jackpot but I could stop the pandemic in our relationship, to devastate us. We’re still living together, chatting casually, having my access to his penis, hug him and kiss his chin. The only different is he’s no longer my Honey.

It is awkward for me to call his name like every other friends does, I just went straight into whatever I wanted to say without addressing him at the moment. There’s a lot more need to be adjusted, hope I’ll be able to cope with that real soon.

I also notice that ever since I’ve let him go, everything between us is feels better. I can talk with him carefree, jumping around the house like I used to be.

Deep inside me, I’m hoping that this is not the end for our relationship but a new beginning. Yet, I’m not sure this is right thinking or not

Whatever it is, I love him. I love him so much. I let him go is not because of anything but I love him and it’s what he wanted. I’m just giving all my love’s wishes.

Bless me please.

#1 Dilemma

We cried, after each other.

What would our world be like when two are not as one anymore?

Two opposite thought collided together makes things worse when it’s already sour.

I thought I’ve complete my life when I first met him, faith and hope bloomingly rose in my heart. I made him my last and only resort of my life, happily think that we’re the odd who had found eternal love.

I was wrong and I have no one to blame. I hate myself so much that I couldn’t help myself to save my relationship, yet keep jeopardizing it with my silly brainless paranoid causing stunt. Finally, I’ve broke my own fantasy with my insecurity.

I’ve shattered into trillions of pieces, I’ve no idea how to piece them back together.

Day by day, my sense of insecurity and horror like a rain cloud overcastting my hope and dream. Nothing has seems possible, it driven me into almost delusional state where everything could be a threat of me losing him. I’m not sure how true my instinct could be or maybe its just part of my delusional imagination; every move, every person, words he wrote are sign that pinching my already shattered heart, crushing the pieces into vanishing ash.

I do aware I’ve hurt him so much, too much that he want to give up our relationship. While he crushing me into ashes, he probably been crushed by me unintentionally into nothing. I accept the fact that I’m the person hurting him more than anyone else in his life but deep inside me I really wish I could make him happy, us to be happily ever after. I’ve failed.

I beg him to stay; I’ll be my best to be his someone, I couldn’t let him go, I love him and I need him. He begs me to let him go; he can’t live with me anymore, he felt trapped.

I filled with paranoia, fear, horror and loneliness. He piled with helplessness, anger, worries and fear.

How do we compromise?

I’ve erase all my previous blogs entries to signify a new beginning, the search of my euphoria, my utopia.

For countless moment of time; I pray, I wish, I hope whatever we’re going through currently is a challenge toward eternal love life between us and we shall going through this hand in hand although I aware that this is only my fictional imagination. Meanwhile, other part of me tells I should let him go for his happiness. I love him and I want him to be happy in his life.

Guess I’m just wasn’t helping, I’m just contradicting with my own confusion. Am I?

Bless me please.