Career

I think I've reached to a point that I'm feeling upset about what I'm doing right now.

I know I'm still new in my industry and tremendous opportunity has fall on my shoulder. I should be proud of what I'm doing right now but I'm not too sure if I can handle this anymore. Worse, I'm not too sure if this is what I want for my future anymore...or maybe all I need is just a good break to refresh my passion toward the design and architecture?

Okay, enough of rambling. I shall get back to work. I'll pen more stories here as soon as I have time to do so. There's a recent incident strike me very badly, I'll keep that for my next entry anyway :)

Till then, bless me please.

I NEED A BREAK.

The End & The Beginning

Here comes December, I think it’s time for me to clear my “blog debt” before the snow ball effect kicked-in. Honestly I just don’t know how to start this entry and trying to B.S. something out of nowhere.

Let’s start with what I’ve done this year.

Join my current employer for slightly more than 1 and a half year. It has been quite a challenging year for me in my career, learnt a lot and progressed. Looked through my 2009 project folder, I’ve been given plenty of chances to get involve into some very high-profile projects in year 2009. Among (few that I can mention) are Amarin Wickham, Seni Mont Kiara, ZHEN Bukit Pantai. It’s very satisfying to look-back the progress of each project until they’re completed.

From Portfolio

One of my favorite loose feature I've created this year

Also went to few destinations for my escape in 2009. Although there’s some hiccup in each and every trip but overall they’re all more than rewarding. Places I’ve went this year are Penang during CNY with family, Langkawi with Louisa and second visit with SK, Koh Samui with my office colleague and Bangkok.

From Bangkok

The Bangkok trip is particularly interesting one. It was suppose to be a trip with my “old-yet-not-so-close” friend. We know each other back in Liquid period; do your calculation if you want to know how long we’ve known each other. It turned out that there’s some mate of mine that we always party together in all kind of fashion and lifestyle events are heading to Bangkok during the same period too. On top of that, one of them is temporary living in Bangkok and been living in Bangkok for months prior my arrival. So my trip suddenly became a holiday with some glam friends together with privileges that I used to getting in KL.

From Ko Samui 09

I’ve been in a “dry season” since I broke-up with “him”, I’m not too sure if this is long or not. No sex, no date and nothing at all. Not that I can’t let him go or anything silly like that but I just don’t find anyone has the quality or attraction that I’m seeking for, at least that’s what I thought. Until very recently, I met this person in Bangkok and followed by another one in KL. They both somehow has the charm the making me smile and let me liking them a lot. After did some quick research about the guy I met in KL. We’re actually living in the same social circle. There are events that we both attended but how could I not noticing his present all these while? I guess there’s one thing in my life that I can’t change – being snobbish.

Speaking of snobbish, you might think I’m should adjust my attitude. Allow me to defense myself a little here. It’s not my fault for being almighty and thinking I’m much superior to others, there’s way too much “indecency” going on right in the city. I’ve got involved into couple of event organizing work this year and to my upmost surprises, Malaysian has degraded to an extreme where everyone is buying LV, Gucci or Prada without knowing why are they being expensive as long as they can effort them and worse, not knowing how to pronounce these luxury brands properly. I’ve frequently bump into person who pronounce Prada as “pla-da”, Gucci as “gu-ji” and my most iconic experience was in Bangkok. I was with a friend of my friend walking into Siam Paragon from BTS station, stumbled right in front of us is Pucci outlet and he straight away scream “Ew! There’s Gucci and Thais make Pucci”. I was speechless for a moment and choose to forgo what I just heard.

From Untitled Album

It’s sad to see I’m surrounded by people who can’t speak proper languages; I don’t expect everyone to speak in American accent, British accent, like how Taiwanese or Chinese speak Mandarin or Hong Kong speaks Cantonese but at least make an effort to construct your sentences properly before you actually speak it out.

Sorry for dragging so far away, let’s come back to the topic here – what I’ve done this year. Other than what I’ve mentioned above. I got quite active in GLBT scene this year, solely by accident and I like what I’m doing, organizing events, making gay movement and etc. Also I’ve finally took my step in weight training seriously during middle of the year and the transformation is fabulous. Unfortunately, due to my mother condition I always get caught between work and home, as well as financial dilemma so my fitness regime has to be put on hold. Regardless, I’ll make sure my fitness regime is my utmost priority of my 2010 resolution.

Well, I guess that’s pretty much the highlight of me in 2009. Hopefully, 2010 will be a great year ahead which will cherish and nourish me to be who I want to be. Looking forward of making my full 2010 resolution and planning soon.

PS: My birthday is just 3 days away from now ;)

I Got Raid!!!

For the first time in my no-less than 7 years of party life, last night was my first experience of getting raid by authority. It wasn't a bad experience for me at all, although I have to admit that I was pretty nasty for some. The only turn off throughout the entire experience was the waiting for the rest to get out from the club in long hour and worries for those who got detained for drugs abuse, where they were brought to the HQ of PDRM's KL contingent.

The best part of the incident came after the night, below is news from TheStar Online, sourced from Bernama.

KUALA LUMPUR: Police raided a gay club in Jalan Yap Kwan Seng early Sunday and detained 32 people, 28 men and four women aged 20 to 50, after they tested positive for syabu or methamphetamine.

Kuala Lumpur narcotics police investigating officer ASP Mohd Ashril Md Johar said the premise was packed with about 500 patrons, mostly men dancing in an erotic manner.

The police raid at 1.30am also found the drug Eramin 5 strewn all over the floor, believed to have been disposed by patrons of the club which began operation last year.

Mohd Ashril said there were about 500 men and 34 women at the club. The raid was made after police monitored the premise for one week.

The 32 people were detained under Section 15(1)(a) Dangerous Drugs Act 1952 which carries a three years jail sentence and a fine of RM5,000.

In another raid on an entertainment joint in Jalan Changkat Imbi, police detained 13 Chinese women working as guest relations officers and 11 customers.

Police found several rooms on the second floor of the four-storey building believed to be used to provide sex service and VIP rooms for special patrons.

The Chinese women were handed over to the Immigration Department while the men were detained for further investigation.

It's quite shocking that there's local wired news agent involve in the operation which I see in no sight and it's very laughable reading the statement made by the policeman saying they've monitored the premise for a week before operation begun. Do you see the problem?

A Tuesday That Like Friday

Somehow today feeling really unmotivated, its just like a Friday although the week has just started not too long ago. I was forced to blast myself with some beats just to make myself (or my hands to be exact) move in front of the computer.

This is what I've been listening to:

JUSTQUALITYMUSIC RADIO

Close Player

#10 I'm Single

I guess this is it, we've came to the end with no turning back.

Its been at least 2 weeks already, there's too much that I can't handle. I've no idea if I'm doing it right or not but I've end it.

I learn too much of discrepancies between us and I could be worthless to him. I'm not going to elaborate much here but I just want to make this official that I'm single now, but not available.

I've no plan of dating or get involve into relationship at this moment, although I have to admit that there's someone has got my interest recently. I think this not going to be fair to any party, it is best for me to stay where I am now. I could be wrong, maybe I wasn't interested in him, maybe I just wanted a rebound guy, maybe I'm just depressed and lonely or what so ever reason.

I've been single and happily enjoying my life for more than 2 years before I met him, I believe I can do it again!

Meanwhile, I'm getting clear about how I want to spend the rest of my life. I'm working toward it now, I just hope that when I've achieve what I wanted there'll be someone to share my joyous achievement.

Anyway, for those who're concern. I'm doing very well. I've gone through my moments, please don't be worry. My escape to Langkawi does help to a certain extend and I would like to thank a person who has witness the entire process, being by my side whenever I need. Thank you :)

Bless me please.

#9 Not a Good Morning

This morning is definitively not a good one. Somehow I didn't manage to catch a good sleep last night, my shoulder is aching badly now.

Worst, reading today's national news is so not helping. A friend of mine once said, Malaysian's news is nothing than jokes that ours newspaper itself are The Onions.

This is what got my attention today:

Friday March 13, 2009
Subra: Locals shun jobs with ‘artificial conditions’

KUALA LUMPUR: Employers complaining about Malaysians shunning jobs now held by foreign workers should change their working conditions to meet local requirements, said Human Resources Minister Datuk Dr S. Subra-maniam.
He said some employers created “artificial working conditions,” like requiring workers to work “12 to 24 hours a day”, which was why locals shunned the jobs.
He added that employers should accept the move to double the levy on foreign workers in certain sectors, and be positive about it.
Speaking after opening the Federation of MLVK Accredited Centres’ (FeMAC) annual general meeting yesterday, Dr Subramaniam said the move under the mini Budget was for the country’s good in the long run.
He said the move to double the levy would also, in the long run, mean higher wages for locals, as instead of paying more for foreign workers, employers would then pay higher salary to locals for the same job.
Dr Subramaniam said the hospitality, restaurant and furniture industries had started voicing out their difficulty in operating without foreign workers, and expected other industries to join the chorus.
Citing Indian restaurants as an example, he said they employed cooks from India when they could employ locals.
To address the restaurant problem, he said the ministry was carrying out an aggressive campaign to recruit local workers, who would be provided training.
As an incentive, both the workers and employers would receive allowances during the training, thus cutting cost for the employers.
(source: The Star Online)


I’m sorry Sir, aren’t we suppose to elevate our local human resource to be more efficient and higher value work force instead of putting us back into such labouring job?

Not to forget, my shocking surprise from Google. My mails are all gone!!! I quickly did a search on Google help and found out that I’m not alone but was abandoned by the dearly Gmail team. No one has got any feedback regarding to this matter to date from Gmail team. Luckily it’s just my personal email account but I’ve lost quite a reasonable amount of vital information too. Just hope I have a back-up somewhere or another copy elsewhere which include my flight itinerary, PADI stuff, some important conversations log etc. Thank you Google!

What a nice morning to start my weekend.

#8 iPhone !!!!!

Just came back from my break few days ago. I'll update what's been missing about me during the period of this entry and previous one, soon.

Anyway, finally...THE APPLE IPHONE IS OFFICIALLY HERE !!! And it's by Maxis!

http://www.maxis.com.my/iphone/index.asp

Jess, my wallet will lost another few inches again.

#7 Dramas

Okay, my last entry here was a little way over the edge. Thank you so much for all who care and concern, I really appreciate it. Also, a groups of people who has been my shoulder, my beacon which has enlighten me.

Thank you so much.

I'm going to create another drama tonight, once and for all.

Bless me please

#5 Holiday !

First day at work in 2009 is rather an extremely unmotivated one. Tons of work load are pilling in front of me but I’ve been slacking since the moment I place myself on my station.

Besides day dreaming, chatting, browsing internet and doing my drawings in “slow motion”. I also booked my flight ticket to Sipadan just now. It was a planned trip with him but now that he has left me, I’m going to take the trip by my own.

Not sure what I can expect from it by flying alone and stay on the beautiful beach all by myself but I wanted to go and I am going.

This is not the first time I travel alone. In fact, most of the time I spend my holiday plan alone. I found it is quite hard to actually gather some friends or even one to spend a holiday together, away from where we are.

At certain extent, I think I’m a very fortunate person when comes to socializing and people. Since I was a kid, I always met fascinating people who help me, nurture me to be who I am now and bring me further in the future. Even in this period which I’ve cut off all my contacts back then when I was still with him, friends that I know are somehow coming back to me. I didn’t contact them at all, I’m still in denial that he has left me although I needed someone to be around and hold me through then they appear right in time. I met some of them at places that I always at but never met them before, some called and some unexpectedly pop in front of me.

During my past trip of vacation that I went alone, I was able to met interesting people around the town and hotel I stay too. Be it locals or foreigners like me. I believe this coming trip will be like any of those scenarios too.

I thank everyone that I’ve met and know through my 21 years of journey of life. Whether you’re still in part of my life or not, all of you’ve been the greatest support to hold me in crisis and brought me to where I am now. I believe all of you will make me to be someone even better in years to come of my life.

Thank you my friends, my loves, my tutors, my teachers and everyone has left their footprint in my life. Bless me please.

#4 Weekend

Life without him is rather busy one recently. I worked from 1000 to 2200 daily and went home straight with exhaustion. I found this rather productive for me and keep my mind away from him.

A week has pass in my busyness and I am excited for my coming weekend, and one of the highlights are I'm going to watch MamaMia tonight on company's treat! Yeah~

Okay, enough of excitement. Tons of unsolved problems I need to attend at work.

Might go bar hopping at Changkat Bukit Bintang tonight after the MamaMia show but have to wake up early to be at project site as early as 10am. What a life...

#3 Happy Birthday To Me

Happy birthday! Vincent.

Finally this marked my official 21 years old.

Everyone would have a big bash to celebrating their official legal adulthood but mine is rather a quiet one.

Silence, if specific.

Days between now and my previous entry are really hard day for me, there's so much I wanted to write but whenever I want to key them into the screen my mind went blank.

Whatever it is, it's my 21 birthday today! I've not made my wish yet but I will and I know what I want to wish for already.

Bless me please.

#2 The End, The Begin

I've let him go. I've surrender.

After the Dilemma, I realize looking him tearing is such a great pain in me. More thought streaming into my mind ever since then.

It wasn't really bad thing I guess. It’s hurt a lot; too much that I can barely take it but there’s no point of two person suffer in pain if the situation can be contained by some extend of sacrifices.

I’m still a winner after all – consolation prize.

Although I did not strike the jackpot but I could stop the pandemic in our relationship, to devastate us. We’re still living together, chatting casually, having my access to his penis, hug him and kiss his chin. The only different is he’s no longer my Honey.

It is awkward for me to call his name like every other friends does, I just went straight into whatever I wanted to say without addressing him at the moment. There’s a lot more need to be adjusted, hope I’ll be able to cope with that real soon.

I also notice that ever since I’ve let him go, everything between us is feels better. I can talk with him carefree, jumping around the house like I used to be.

Deep inside me, I’m hoping that this is not the end for our relationship but a new beginning. Yet, I’m not sure this is right thinking or not

Whatever it is, I love him. I love him so much. I let him go is not because of anything but I love him and it’s what he wanted. I’m just giving all my love’s wishes.

Bless me please.

#1 Dilemma

We cried, after each other.

What would our world be like when two are not as one anymore?

Two opposite thought collided together makes things worse when it’s already sour.

I thought I’ve complete my life when I first met him, faith and hope bloomingly rose in my heart. I made him my last and only resort of my life, happily think that we’re the odd who had found eternal love.

I was wrong and I have no one to blame. I hate myself so much that I couldn’t help myself to save my relationship, yet keep jeopardizing it with my silly brainless paranoid causing stunt. Finally, I’ve broke my own fantasy with my insecurity.

I’ve shattered into trillions of pieces, I’ve no idea how to piece them back together.

Day by day, my sense of insecurity and horror like a rain cloud overcastting my hope and dream. Nothing has seems possible, it driven me into almost delusional state where everything could be a threat of me losing him. I’m not sure how true my instinct could be or maybe its just part of my delusional imagination; every move, every person, words he wrote are sign that pinching my already shattered heart, crushing the pieces into vanishing ash.

I do aware I’ve hurt him so much, too much that he want to give up our relationship. While he crushing me into ashes, he probably been crushed by me unintentionally into nothing. I accept the fact that I’m the person hurting him more than anyone else in his life but deep inside me I really wish I could make him happy, us to be happily ever after. I’ve failed.

I beg him to stay; I’ll be my best to be his someone, I couldn’t let him go, I love him and I need him. He begs me to let him go; he can’t live with me anymore, he felt trapped.

I filled with paranoia, fear, horror and loneliness. He piled with helplessness, anger, worries and fear.

How do we compromise?

I’ve erase all my previous blogs entries to signify a new beginning, the search of my euphoria, my utopia.

For countless moment of time; I pray, I wish, I hope whatever we’re going through currently is a challenge toward eternal love life between us and we shall going through this hand in hand although I aware that this is only my fictional imagination. Meanwhile, other part of me tells I should let him go for his happiness. I love him and I want him to be happy in his life.

Guess I’m just wasn’t helping, I’m just contradicting with my own confusion. Am I?

Bless me please.