#2 The End, The Begin

I've let him go. I've surrender.

After the Dilemma, I realize looking him tearing is such a great pain in me. More thought streaming into my mind ever since then.

It wasn't really bad thing I guess. It’s hurt a lot; too much that I can barely take it but there’s no point of two person suffer in pain if the situation can be contained by some extend of sacrifices.

I’m still a winner after all – consolation prize.

Although I did not strike the jackpot but I could stop the pandemic in our relationship, to devastate us. We’re still living together, chatting casually, having my access to his penis, hug him and kiss his chin. The only different is he’s no longer my Honey.

It is awkward for me to call his name like every other friends does, I just went straight into whatever I wanted to say without addressing him at the moment. There’s a lot more need to be adjusted, hope I’ll be able to cope with that real soon.

I also notice that ever since I’ve let him go, everything between us is feels better. I can talk with him carefree, jumping around the house like I used to be.

Deep inside me, I’m hoping that this is not the end for our relationship but a new beginning. Yet, I’m not sure this is right thinking or not

Whatever it is, I love him. I love him so much. I let him go is not because of anything but I love him and it’s what he wanted. I’m just giving all my love’s wishes.

Bless me please.

#1 Dilemma

We cried, after each other.

What would our world be like when two are not as one anymore?

Two opposite thought collided together makes things worse when it’s already sour.

I thought I’ve complete my life when I first met him, faith and hope bloomingly rose in my heart. I made him my last and only resort of my life, happily think that we’re the odd who had found eternal love.

I was wrong and I have no one to blame. I hate myself so much that I couldn’t help myself to save my relationship, yet keep jeopardizing it with my silly brainless paranoid causing stunt. Finally, I’ve broke my own fantasy with my insecurity.

I’ve shattered into trillions of pieces, I’ve no idea how to piece them back together.

Day by day, my sense of insecurity and horror like a rain cloud overcastting my hope and dream. Nothing has seems possible, it driven me into almost delusional state where everything could be a threat of me losing him. I’m not sure how true my instinct could be or maybe its just part of my delusional imagination; every move, every person, words he wrote are sign that pinching my already shattered heart, crushing the pieces into vanishing ash.

I do aware I’ve hurt him so much, too much that he want to give up our relationship. While he crushing me into ashes, he probably been crushed by me unintentionally into nothing. I accept the fact that I’m the person hurting him more than anyone else in his life but deep inside me I really wish I could make him happy, us to be happily ever after. I’ve failed.

I beg him to stay; I’ll be my best to be his someone, I couldn’t let him go, I love him and I need him. He begs me to let him go; he can’t live with me anymore, he felt trapped.

I filled with paranoia, fear, horror and loneliness. He piled with helplessness, anger, worries and fear.

How do we compromise?

I’ve erase all my previous blogs entries to signify a new beginning, the search of my euphoria, my utopia.

For countless moment of time; I pray, I wish, I hope whatever we’re going through currently is a challenge toward eternal love life between us and we shall going through this hand in hand although I aware that this is only my fictional imagination. Meanwhile, other part of me tells I should let him go for his happiness. I love him and I want him to be happy in his life.

Guess I’m just wasn’t helping, I’m just contradicting with my own confusion. Am I?

Bless me please.